True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize