Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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