Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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