So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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