There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
