Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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