dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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