UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
