Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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