peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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