My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
