Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
