Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
