Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
