Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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