Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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