Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
