Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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