Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize