Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Houston, we have a blender
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
