dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am midnight drunk by noon
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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