I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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