Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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