I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
