Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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