Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
