If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
