that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize