The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
