1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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