They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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