While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
