my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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