Your dad touched me again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
