Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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