I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just had sex on a roof
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
