I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
