I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
