The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize