see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize