I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
