I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
