I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
