No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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