Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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