I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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