Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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