I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
