Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
