Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
