He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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