is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
