Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
