The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
