Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
