I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
