i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
