First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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