your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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