I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
