Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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