did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
