I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize