Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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