I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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