Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
