Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
