man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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