Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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