you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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