we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
