hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
